you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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