You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I can't put those talents on a resume
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize