I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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