I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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