Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
