when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
