He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
