I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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