you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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