the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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