Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
