I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
