i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
