I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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