I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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