I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
