you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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