i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
