My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
