i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
