wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
