Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
