I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
