So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
