I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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