you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
