spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
