bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I deserve this hangover.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
