I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
