I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
