Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize