we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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