what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
