the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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