bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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