I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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