I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
