maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
