I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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