Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
