Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
