so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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