it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
