He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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