how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
