Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize