god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
