Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
