Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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