i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
