You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
