Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
