i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
