My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
