OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
