i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize