Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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