Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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