dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize
