i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
