dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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