best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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