I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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