I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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