Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
