Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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