Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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